My rant today is about forgiveness. Sometimes its easy...others not so much. I think the hardest part about forgiveness is forgiving yourself! We all have moments in our lives where we don't do or say the the things we should have. Then we have guilt which is followed by beating yourself up. I am typically a more logical person and can work things through in my head and all is well. But there are those times when my head and heart don't work through things at the same pace. My head knows better but my heart is still torn up. It seems to me that the two actually argue! My head wants to learn from it and move on but my heart is stuck wallowing in the guilt and feels like it deserves the punishment. The shoulda, coulda, woulda, run rampant until my head shuts them down. Come to think of it, its a lot like grief. The easiest one to blame is you because you are a convenient outlet...you can always find you when the desire to blame is overwhelming. Taking responsibility for your actions is one thing....wallowing in the guilt is another. I have learned through the years that there is a fine line between the two. I havent figured out exactly where that line is! I don't claim to be perfect, nor do I even strive for it but I do try to be the best me I can be. When I fail, I let myself down and sometimes others too. Its these moments that cause me guilt. I beat myself up because I know better....I am better than that and I expected more of myself. So a little beating up is ok because there is a lesson to be learned and working through it encompasses a little self evaluation. But there is a point where you have to forgive yourelf and MOVE ON already! That is the harder part. I usually forgive others really easy because I am also imperfect and make many mistakes but forgiving myself is so much harder. No ladies, I didn't cheat on the BFC. LOL. The thing I am having a hard time forgiving myself for really isnt that huge in the scheme of life but I am finding that it is one of those things that I am wrestling with as I work my way through the lesson. I know the problem....but the solution is more evasive. I know what I shouldnt have done, but not what I should. Until I can figure that out, I will wrestle with the issue and feel guilty for not being the best me.
I don't really know how long it will take to work through this problem... I have a feeling it will be awhile so in the best interest of living healthy and being the best me, I am only giving this problem about 15 minuets of time each day and then putting it away so it doesn't consume my whole life while the work is being done. I think this is a very important lesson for me so I want to do it right. I don't want to rush through it....jump to easy but wrong solutions...or simply sweep it under the rug so that I am doomed to repeat it later! I am determined to turn this lesson into a positive even if I am not sure how to do that just yet. As with all things.....I will accomplish this because I am stron in my conviction!
Have a great BFC day everybody