Most of you know my story.....and know that it isn't pretty. I have a few "failed" relationships, a few good, no great friends, and have faced many challenges that no one should ever have to. Still, I count myself fortunate. I have learned many hard lessons in life....one of which was reminded to me today by someone close to me....a lesson that I have stuggled with my whole life. Control. Through my failed relationships with men I realized that I needed to give up control of "who" I thought I wanted to be with. Obviously, my logic in choosing wasn't sound! During each of these relationships, I had this voice in the back of my head (not literally) that kept telling me "He is out there somewhere". I sort of believed it but I wasn't ready to give up on the current relationship because that would conceed defeat....I couldn't reconcile that voice with what I wanted to happen so I would ignore it. I also didn't listen to that voice when I began a new relationship because I thought I knew what I wanted. So, at the end of the third failed relationship, I did something I had never done before. I talked to God in earnest. Now don't get me wrong I have talked to Him since before I can remember but regarding my relationships, I would ask the question but not actually listen to the answer. (geez, this reminds me a little of parenting!!) But this time, I listened....HARD! I prayed...no begged God not to let me fall in love with the wrong man. Over and over I prayed. I was on a dating website...match.com...thinking this would be a better way to meet guys. It was! There were a couple of men who were very nice and we had a lot in common that I was interested in. God said no. And this time, I LISTENED!! There was this other guy who was too busy working to message very often, but his profile was intriguing and the little bit he would say when he messaged while mundane, was oddly magnetic to me. After a couple of weeks of sporadic messaging, we talked on the phone. It was as if we had known each other our whole lives...except for the details. We finished each others sentences from day one. After talking for 4 to 6 hours on the phone daily for a week, we decided we had better meet. He came to my house to see me. I opened the door and it was like coming home. God answered my prayers with John. I asked God one more time if this was His coice for me. I believe my exact prayer was "God, if he isn't who you picked, please, please let me know now because I am falling fast and I don't want to do that if he isn't your choice!" God said yes.
Since that day, I have been extremely happy, unbelievably content and secure in the knowledge that in giving up "control" I have gained SO MUCH MORE! Make no mistake, I still struggle with control from time to time in other areas of life, but I am getting better at learning how to be strong and in control of myself without trying to control every situation. My husband has been instrumental in letting me learn in my time. His patience is without end! Indeed, God did pick the exact right man for me and there is not a single day that goes by that I am not deeply thankful for John and that I gave up control and finally listened!